Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize