dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
