I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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