I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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