The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
