How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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