Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
