you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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