I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
