I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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