Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize