Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize