so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize