Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
