I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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