I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
