Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
