just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
