hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
