rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
