Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
