I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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