The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
