oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
