You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
