I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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