Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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