walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize