Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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