You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
