Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
