so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
