You made me cry and you don't even care
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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