Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
