I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
