I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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