Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
