I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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