my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize