i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
