It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
