Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
