my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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