his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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