Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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