Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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