I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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