you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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