she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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