tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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