Im at strip club and am horny
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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