I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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