I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
