so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
