My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
