I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
