A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize