it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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