i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
