why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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