Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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