Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
