i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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