I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize