If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
