Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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